More connection: How to stay calm during the holidays (even if you’ve lost it before)

Can we be honest for a minute?

The holidays make even the calmest parents lose it.

We all start off wanting to make everything magical. But somewhere between the shopping lists, school parties, family expectations, late-night “just one more thing” and sugar-fueled meltdowns (theirs and ours), we end up overwhelmed, overstimulated, and swimming in guilt.

And no one really talks about that part, but every parent feels it. The pressure. The expectations. The emotional labor. The tantrums. The silent shame of snapping at the people you love most.

I’m not immune to it either. I’m a therapist, and still: the overstimulation, the pressure to “make it special” and the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself once led me to scold my own mother for “coming too early” on Christmas Eve… so she went and sat in her car.

Exhausted and emotionally fried = regret and guilt later.

That was the moment I realized something important: Holiday memories aren’t made from the things we do, they’re made from the emotions we create.

Kids remember: how the room felt; whether we were laughing; whether they felt safe; whether we had time for them. Not whether the wrapping paper matched or the cookies were homemade.

So now, when I feel myself slipping into perfection mode, I pause and ask: “What is the emotion I want my kids to remember here? The one of me stressed and irritated? Or the one of us just hanging out enjoying the lights?”

Since that incident with my mom, I’ve made a point to aim for less perfection and more connection. A holiday where I actually notice the small moments instead of rushing through them. Where I choose a calmer pace so I can respond instead of react. Where my family feels emotionally close, even when things are messy or imperfect.

So how do we get there? Not with quick fixes or surface-level advice, but with small, meaningful shifts in how we approach the season.

Here are the five non-cookie-cutter, therapist-backed strategies I’m actively working on myself. The ones that actually change how the holidays feel.

Because a connected holiday isn’t about doing more. It’s about choosing the emotional climate you want your children to remember.

Notice Where Your Perfectionism Is Coming From
Perfectionism around the holidays isn’t about the cookies, the décor or the plans. It’s actually about an unmet emotional need you’re trying to fill.

You might be trying to: give your kids what you didn’t have; avoid judgment; recreate a childhood feeling; feel “good enough.”

Instead of saying “I need to make this perfect so my kids have a magical memory,” try “What feeling am I hoping they remember, and is there a simpler way to create that emotion?”

Awareness loosens perfection’s grip.

Say “No” Without Guilt
Most holiday burnout doesn’t come from what we do, it comes from what we agree to do even when our bodies say “absolutely not.”

We say yes out of fear of disappointing someone else. But a “yes” that leads to resentment hurts everyone.

Instead of saying yes “because I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” try saying yes only when it supports the emotional climate you want for yourself and your kids.

Relief means it’s the right call.

Know Your Burnout Level, Not Someone Else’s
Every parent has a different “energy budget” based on work, health, support and stress.

Your burnout level is not your neighbor’s or your sister-in-law’s or even the version of you from last December.

Instead of thinking “Everyone else can do more, why can’t I?” try “My energy budget is different, and honoring it creates more connection.”

Pushing further than your capacity pulls you away from the moments that matter.

Let Go of One Internal Expectation
Not a task. Not an event. Let go of an outdated expectation that just brings you down.

Expectations like: “I must make every moment magical.” “My house should look perfect.” “My kids should be happy all season.”

These pressures drain us far more than our to-do lists.

Instead of doing all the traditions “because that’s what good moms do,” try choosing one or two traditions that create the emotional tone you want. 

Letting go creates space for presence.

Repair Is More Powerful Than Remaining Calm
You will lose it sometimes. Not because you’re failing, but because you’re human with a nervous system. 

What matters most is how you reconnect afterward. Repair teaches kids that emotions can be messy, relationships can recover and stress doesn’t equal danger

Instead of thinking “I snapped. I ruined the moment,” try “I can repair this, and the repair will matter more than the snap.”

That single shift builds more trust than being calm 24/7 ever could.

Bonus: Create One 10-Second Micro-Moment Each Day
Connection isn’t built in the big, orchestrated moments, it’s built in the tiny ones:

A longer hug. Sitting together for 60 seconds, no phones. A quick laugh in the car. Sharing a favorite snack.

These micro-moments regulate both of your nervous systems – and those are the memories children actually keep.

A Final Thought
Because years from now, your kids won’t remember the wrapping paper or whether the gingerbread house stood up straight.

They will remember how the holidays felt.

And you have more power over that than you think: not by doing more, but by choosing calm, connection and presence, one small moment at a time.

Deborah Winters, LCSW, is a local mom, clinical therapist, parent coach, and author specializing in helping modern families build emotional regulation and reduce conflict. Her debut book, Building Your House of Harmony: A Parent’s Blueprint to Cooperation, Respect and Lasting Change, teaches parents how to stay regulated, communicate effectively, and create homes where everyone feels connected. She works with parents across the country to break generational patterns, navigate stress, and raise emotionally healthy kids, without perfection. Download Deborah’s Holiday Calm Parenting Bundle for practical, compassionate tools to help you navigate stress, stay grounded and create meaningful moments your children will actually remember.